Thursday, September 18, 2003

It’s a lot harder learning to trust God than I would have imagined. It would seem like a “no-brainer”. All Powerful – Creator of the Universe – All Knowing – All Caring – etc. If you can’t trust God...

Trouble is; awe is easier than trust. I stand amazed at who He is but still find myself unable to close my eyes and fall backwards into His arms. See I’m not yet convinced He will catch me. I know He can – that He is able. I’m just not sure He will. It’s not that He hasn’t caught me before. Fact is He has done it over and over again. It’s just that most of the time it is because I tripped and fell or was knocked down by some event or circumstance. He always catches me when I fall unexpectedly – but that doesn’t require trust. Where I am having trouble is when I am standing on the edge of the cliff with an enemy coming fast behind me or when I find myself gripping a rope woven from my own ability in order to save myself. In those moments when I should just let go and trust that He will catch me I tend to freeze – to trust in the pain or the despair that I know rather than risk the unknown of the abyss.

Trust requires risk. It always does. Trust demands that I give up any ability to KNOW and instead embrace the journey of the unknown.

Christ rarely tells us where we are going. He simply calls to us; “Follow Me”. If I knew the way I am certain I’d run ahead – I am impatient like that. I’m a little like Abraham who never thought to “help God” until God told Abraham what He intended to do. I think that’s why most of the “God Stuff” in our lives comes out of nowhere- when we aren’t even looking for Him. It keeps us out of the way.

But something in my heart needs to trust Him. Why else would I fight so hard to get the faintest glimpse or the smallest touch? I need to know He is there. That He has not left me. I am trying to learn to trust Him but most days…

Hope is the best I can do.

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